When you have no one to run up to,
when words lump in your throat
for they don’t discover ears to rest.
Waiting for someone to knock on your door,
yet not letting them inside.
Paradox, ain’t it?
No, it’s not solitude,
for solitude is tranquil.
Loneliness, it consumes you.
Some things engrave upon you a mark,
a mark deeper than a bruise,
yet not deep enough to be wound.
Just a scar,
a scar camouflaged with make-up,
yet never letting you shut out
its daunting presence.
Some things cling onto you
parasites that become the key to our survival,
parasites that become symbiotic.
I know it has been long. You must be wondering what’s up with my life? Where have I been? My answer. Well, I don’t have an answer. It’s all hazy. Hazy as the memory of the times when happiness wasn’t really an alien idea.
Tell me, my friend. Is being happy as difficult as it seems today? Why can’t I just laugh my heart out? I don’t feel anything anymore. Nothing bothers me now. This should have been good, right? But it is not. Time keeps passing. With me on my bed. Neither asleep nor awake. Nothing makes sense. All the people and things I have loved are drifting. Drifting far away. To the point of no return. Words don’t find their way out through my lips.
How did it all this happen? How did this upbeat person become so beaten down? I am as clueless as you may be. Have you ever felt this helpless?
Thank you for listening. Hope you are doing well.
Small cities. They are chaotic. They are clumsy. They are orderless.
Yet there is something. Something that makes you theirs in a flash. Like you have always belonged here.
This aura of calm and content. They are at peace. They are Happy.
“You know how when you’re in a car and it’s pouring down heavily, you go under a bridge and everything stops. Everything goes silent and it’s almost peaceful. Then you finally get from under the bridge, and everything hits you a little harder than before.
You were my bridge.”
पादं शिष्यः स्वमेधया ।
पादं कालक्रमेण च ॥
From the teacher is learned a quarter,
a quarter from the student’s own intelligence,
a quarter from fellow students,
and a quarter with the passage of time.
I hope this reaches you. I wanted to acknowledge you. And maybe thank you. For what you did to me and also what you didn’t.
The journey we shared has to end. Soon. Our separation in inevitable. All I have is mixed feelings. You were different from the rest. When we met, it didn’t seem anything special. You, though never failed to surprise me. We shared some of the most beautiful moments together and yet you proved to be my worst adversary on numerous occasions. You have always been so unpredictable. Despite all your evil games, you gave me a lot of firsts. You made me experience things I had only heard or read about. I lost. I drowned. Yet, I was only racing forward. I don’t know how I managed to tolerate you for such a long time. Maybe it was you only that made me stronger. You definitely taught me what life is all about.
As we head down our own paths, I am split. I am happy and excited. I am also dismal and scared.Will I miss you or not? I am not sure. You sure as hell, have been an amazing teacher. Whatever it turns out to be. 2016, I am glad that you happened.