When you have no one to run up to,
when words lump in your throat
for they don’t discover ears to rest.
Waiting for someone to knock on your door,
yet not letting them inside.
Paradox, ain’t it?
No, it’s not solitude,
for solitude is tranquil.
Loneliness, it consumes you.
Some things engrave upon you a mark,
a mark deeper than a bruise,
yet not deep enough to be wound.
Just a scar,
a scar camouflaged with make-up,
yet never letting you shut out
its daunting presence.
Some things cling onto you
parasites that become the key to our survival,
parasites that become symbiotic.
I know it has been long. You must be wondering what’s up with my life? Where have I been? My answer. Well, I don’t have an answer. It’s all hazy. Hazy as the memory of the times when happiness wasn’t really an alien idea.
Tell me, my friend. Is being happy as difficult as it seems today? Why can’t I just laugh my heart out? I don’t feel anything anymore. Nothing bothers me now. This should have been good, right? But it is not. Time keeps passing. With me on my bed. Neither asleep nor awake. Nothing makes sense. All the people and things I have loved are drifting. Drifting far away. To the point of no return. Words don’t find their way out through my lips.
How did it all this happen? How did this upbeat person become so beaten down? I am as clueless as you may be. Have you ever felt this helpless?
Thank you for listening. Hope you are doing well.
Small cities. They are chaotic. They are clumsy. They are orderless.
Yet there is something. Something that makes you theirs in a flash. Like you have always belonged here.
This aura of calm and content. They are at peace. They are Happy.
“You know how when you’re in a car and it’s pouring down heavily, you go under a bridge and everything stops. Everything goes silent and it’s almost peaceful. Then you finally get from under the bridge, and everything hits you a little harder than before.
You were my bridge.”
I hope this reaches you. I wanted to acknowledge you. And maybe thank you. For what you did to me and also what you didn’t.
The journey we shared has to end. Soon. Our separation in inevitable. All I have is mixed feelings. You were different from the rest. When we met, it didn’t seem anything special. You, though never failed to surprise me. We shared some of the most beautiful moments together and yet you proved to be my worst adversary on numerous occasions. You have always been so unpredictable. Despite all your evil games, you gave me a lot of firsts. You made me experience things I had only heard or read about. I lost. I drowned. Yet, I was only racing forward. I don’t know how I managed to tolerate you for such a long time. Maybe it was you only that made me stronger. You definitely taught me what life is all about.
As we head down our own paths, I am split. I am happy and excited. I am also dismal and scared.Will I miss you or not? I am not sure. You sure as hell, have been an amazing teacher. Whatever it turns out to be. 2016, I am glad that you happened.
It’s strange because sometimes, I read a book, and I think I am the people in the book.
I was a wallflower.
I was an introvert.
I was not one of those kids people notice immediately.
I was a “nobody”.
I was one of those kids in school that almost no one spoke to because I always kept to myself.
I was insecure.
I was scared that if I try to talk no one would listen.
I recently read The Perks of Being a Wallflower and never has a book resonated with me more. It’s a book that touches your deepest cores.
Contrary to the book’s synopsis, this is not the story about a teenage boy Charlie. Or a Sam. Or a Patrick. This is my story. And probably yours. The feelings we could never find words to recite. The thoughts we dismissed as our overthinking. The words that were left unspoken. The times we lost ourselves. The times we doubted ourselves. The battles we fought secretly. The days when “you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist.” This book captures all of them beautifully.
There are times in life when the sensation of being a spectator of life, rather than a participant in it becomes all too relevant. There were times when I have felt like an outsider with no sense of belonging. Sam and Patrick were the friends that pulled Charlie off the wall. If we have a good friend(s), we can overcome almost anything. We just need to keep the faith and try pushing ourselves forward. Gradually, we do come of age.
We are who we are for a lot of reasons. We cannot change someone’s past no matter how hard it may be for us to digest. If we love a person in our life all we can do is to accept what he/she has done or been through. After all, it’s our past that has shaped the present us. We cannot control that. What we choose to do with our lives, where we choose to lead ourselves. That is paramount.
This is a book that moved me miles. Miles that brought me closer to myself. Miles that made me understand that I am not the only one. That everyone has his/her “sob story.” That it’s perfectly fine to break down once in a while but, to give up ,that would be wrong.
So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.