Questions

Hi Friend

I know it has been long. You must be wondering what’s up with my life? Where have I been? My answer. Well, I don’t have an answer. It’s all hazy. Hazy as the memory of the times when happiness wasn’t really an alien idea.

Tell me, my friend. Is being happy as difficult as it seems today? Why can’t I just laugh my heart out? I don’t feel anything anymore. Nothing bothers me now. This should have been good, right? But it is not. Time keeps passing. With me on my bed. Neither asleep nor awake. Nothing makes sense. All the people and things I have loved are drifting. Drifting far away. To the point of no return. Words don’t find their way out through my lips.

How did it all this happen? How did this upbeat person become so beaten down? I am as clueless as you may be. Have you ever felt this helpless?

Thank you for listening. Hope you are doing well.

Love

“You know how when you’re in a car and it’s pouring down heavily, you go under a bridge and everything stops. Everything goes silent and it’s almost peaceful. Then you finally get from under the bridge, and everything hits you a little harder than before.

You were my bridge.”

Dear Friend

I hope this reaches you. I wanted to acknowledge you. And maybe thank you. For what you did to me and also what you didn’t.

The journey we shared has to end. Soon. Our separation in inevitable. All I have is mixed feelings. You were different from the rest. When we met, it didn’t seem anything special. You, though never failed to surprise me. We shared some of the most beautiful moments together and yet you proved to be my worst adversary on numerous occasions. You have always been so unpredictable. Despite all your evil games, you gave me a lot of firsts. You made me experience things I had only heard or read about. I lost. I drowned. Yet, I was only racing forward. I don’t know how I managed to tolerate you for such a long time. Maybe it was you only that made me stronger. You definitely taught me what life is all about.

As we head down our own paths, I am split. I am happy and excited. I am also dismal and scared.Will I miss you or not? I am not sure. You sure as hell, have been an amazing teacher. Whatever it turns out to be. 2016, I am glad that you happened.

Love
Aikansh

The Wallflower Chapter

It’s strange because sometimes, I read a book, and I think I am the people in the book.

I was a wallflower.
I was an introvert.
I was not one of those kids people notice immediately.
I was a “nobody”.
I was one of those kids in school that almost no one spoke to because I always kept to myself.
I was insecure.
I was scared that if I try to talk no one would listen.

I recently read The Perks of Being a Wallflower and never has a book resonated with me more. It’s a book that touches your deepest cores.

Contrary to the book’s synopsis, this is not the story about a teenage boy Charlie. Or a Sam. Or a Patrick. This is my story. And probably yours. The feelings we could never find words to recite. The thoughts we dismissed as our overthinking. The words that were left unspoken. The times we lost ourselves. The times we doubted ourselves. The battles we fought secretly. The days when “you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist.” This book captures all of them beautifully.

There are times in life when the sensation of being a spectator of life, rather than a participant in it becomes all too relevant. There were times when I have felt like an outsider with no sense of belonging. Sam and Patrick were the friends that pulled Charlie off the wall. If we have a good friend(s), we can overcome almost anything. We just need to keep the faith and try pushing ourselves forward. Gradually, we do come of age.

We are who we are for a lot of reasons. We cannot change someone’s past no matter how hard it may be for us to digest. If we love a person in our life all we can do is to accept what he/she has done or been through. After all, it’s our past that has shaped the present us. We cannot control that. What we choose to do with our lives, where we choose to lead ourselves. That is paramount.

This is a book that moved me miles. Miles that brought me closer to myself. Miles that made me understand that I am not the only one. That everyone has his/her “sob story.” That it’s perfectly fine to break down once in a while but, to give up ,that would be wrong.

So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.

On the Footpath

Walking down this familiar path,

I catch how much life has changed.

From racing together to school,

To solving those maths sums,

To sharing our daily stories;

What went wrong?

What did I do to be left

Marooned in this black burrow.

What made you take me up the hill;

And then leave me there stranded.

You were my guiding light,

What made you just walk away?

Was it my stupid actions?

Was it my taking you for granted?

Perhaps we may never fathom.

 

Seasons back little did we imagine

This perennial spring shaping into

the excruciating autumn of unknowingness.

We talk but no more converse,

We know but do not understand.

The cemented walls separating us

seem too thick for emotions

We have learned to exist singly,

even in each other’s company.

 

The voids left within us

have healed

And all that remain are

emotionless memories.

Going Antisocial, on full throttle.

Caution: This piece is aimed solely towards you.

 

Beep. Buzz. Repeat.

Well, that’s the recursion most of our lives are stuck in. The constant notifications never leave us in peace. But then, peace of mind is too overrated, ain’t it. I have to know what’s going on in my classmate’s life whom I otherwise wouldn’t talk to or I have to find out why is everyone sending those laughing emojis in Some_Random group; something really funny must have happened. I can’t afford to be left behind. What’s the use of technology if I do not have the latest updates about anything and everything?

The fact is we have let ourselves become so habituated to technology especially the social media that without them we feel vulnerable.Youre-doing-it-wrong-the-anti-social-media

No wonder social media “addiction” is now regarded as a psychological disorder. I wonder sometimes as to why it so. Why are we so attached to our phones and laptops? Why is there an urge inside us to always be online? Why do we get fidgety without a certain minimum “screen time” each day? Why have we started to give more value to people’s opinion about our very own lives? Why do we tend to measure a person’s worth with the number of likes he/she is able to gather?

Pondering upon these questions one realises that technology is seductive when what it offers, meets our human vulnerabilities. And as it turns out, we are very vulnerable indeed. We are lonely but, at the same time fearful of intimacy. Digital connections and the social media may offer the illusion of companionship without the demands of friendship. Our networked life allows us to hide from each other, even as we are tethered to each other. We’d rather text than talk. Texting offers just the right amount of access. It puts people not too close, not too far, but at just the right distance. People take comfort in being in touch with a lot of people whom they also keep at bay. There is absolutely nothing wrong in this. Still, things don’t seem right, do they?

31eea3aWith the fascination to connect with ‘friends’ online comes the risk of disconnection with friends waiting for us to be present in the offline world. Give it a thought. When we are actually going downhill in our lives who will be there to pull us back, the real friends or the virtual ones? We on the other hand sometimes tend to give more importance to connections over relationships. Taken that we are lonely sometimes and the network seems fascinating. But if we are always on, we may deny ourselves the rewards of solitude. We expect more from technology and less from each other.

“As we distribute ourselves, we may abandon ourselves.”

Have we not recently put too much stock in others’ awareness and approval of our very own lives and faces. A picture may say a thousand words, but most of them today just plead, “Please Like Me.” The truth is, the like we earn from a picture we post on the internet is only a like of our physical image. Not all those who click “like” truly know  us, even if we title the photo “soul.jpg.” Only a few people actually care about us, the rest are just curious. And it is not their flaw. We humans cannot care and treat everyone in the same manner. Some are friends and some are just connections. Accepting the difference between them and treating them accordingly is of utmost importance for a smooth and peaceful life. It doesn’t matter how many people we have on a social networking site. What matters is how we benefited them and how we benefited from them.

We are more than our body. We are more than the person we try to portray ourselves as in front of people we meet virtually. Is our existence just defined by an username and password? It’s as if it is the password to one’s soul. We are definitely more complex than that. No ones like matter more than our own opinions and our own memories.

“The wise do not buy into other people’s perceptions of who they are and what they are capable of. Instead, they bypass a person’s public persona and see who they are in their highest expression. When you see actions taken with integrity, instead of words only, you will then know a soul’s worth.”  ― Shannon L. Alder