Saying Out Loud

You know there are a few things that you have always wanted to say out, put it on record, but never really did. I have always been a wallflower. I have tried to blend in groups and failed. Every single time.

I carry with me a list. A list of things that define me. Things that prevent me from fitting in. Things that I don’t admit.

  • I am socially awkward. I have tried making small talk, but I have always failed. I cannot keep a conversation going. I absolutely lack those skills. I want to talk to people sometimes but, I don’t know the algorithm to do so. Even when I really want to talk to someone, I fail terribly. Initiating a conversation is a Herculean task for me. I am absolutely bad at keeping touch with people. This has cost me many of my friends.
  • The world is a very lonely place to be. They say the idea of love or “the one” is overrated. You don’t need someone to complete yourself. You are self-sufficient. Wouldn’t it be nice though to have someone you could go back to anytime and talk about absolutely anything without any fear or hesitation? Isn’t this the “one” everyone seeks? Someone called “home”.
  • Music? Dance? Not my cup of tea. For me, it is just noise. Plain noise. Never been able to truly appreciate these art forms. Give me dead silence over these any day. Coming to parties, let’s not even talk about it. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than those trippy lights and loud music.
  • I crave deep meaningful conversations. Not just talking but communicating. I feel that I often give out the impression that I am not very keen on talking.My social awkwardness reigns supreme.  If only one could look through my mind.
  • The thing that I hate the most? The fact that people build/modify their opinions about a person based on what others have to say about him/her despite already knowing and understanding that person. If someone is nice to me why should I believe you when you say that he is not a nice person. As long as he is nice to me, everything’s fine.
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Conversations

S: Why are you so quiet? You don’t talk much now, do you?
T: ………No, I don’t.
S: Why? What? Did something happen?
T: No. Not really.
S: Then?
T: I am scared.
S: Scared of what?
T: Scared of what I have become. Scared of the words that come out of my mouth. Words that I seem to have lost control over.
S: Something is amiss. You know, you can talk to someone if you want to.
T: Yeah, I know.
S: Then why don’t you?
T: ………. Doesn’t everyone have enough to deal with already? I don’t want to be the person who adds to their woes and push them even further.

On the Footpath

Walking down this familiar path,
I catch how much life has changed.
From racing together to school,
To solving those maths sums,
To sharing our daily stories;

What went wrong?
What did I do to be left
Marooned in this black burrow.
What made you take me up the hill;
And then leave me there stranded.
You were my guiding light,
What made you just walk away?
Was it my stupid actions?
Was it my taking you for granted?
Perhaps we may never fathom.

Seasons back little did we imagine,
This perennial spring shaping into
the excruciating autumn of unknowingness.
We talk but no more converse,
We know but do not understand.
The cemented walls separating us
seem too thick for emotions
We have learned to exist singly,
even in each other’s company.

The voids left within us
have healed
And all that remain are
emotionless memories.

Clearing the mist

About an year and half ago when i set my foot into this wonderful place called DTU(formerly DCE :P) ,incorporated with nervousness was the confusion of what to expect out of my college life. Not to forget the disappointment and dismay of not getting through to the IITs. Gradually though things have changed drastically.

College life has changed me a lot. A lot! One year into college life, I am definitely a more mature and evolved person. From being an introvert and less confident boy to a person who doesn’t hesitate to speak before a group, the transformation has come across a surprise to many. The fact that college life in itself is a new beginning, a new chapter in life is one of the most amazing things about it. In a way it’s a fresh start and we get to mould it in a way we have always intended to.

Even since our school days, college has been a symbol of extravagant freedom and independence. This seductive freedom has taught me some invaluable lessons through numerous experiences, some of which have been hard to come to terms with. The world is everything but a secure cocoon that we have all been brought up in. Going to college is the first time we probably get to see the real world. I have learned that not everything is simply black or white.  We tend to form early impressions of people we come across. People have dimensions which can only be understood if we spend time with them.

Friendship is not an instantaneous thing rather it is a bond that develops over a period of time. People with whom we spend time or hangout with may not necessarily turnout to be our friends (not being a cynic here!). On the other hand some lifelong friendships are born in some of the most awkward and unimaginable situations. Another recent realization has been the fact that there is absolutely no substitute for actual face to face interactions. Those online chats can never match that feeling of fulfillment. Over time the topic of discussion may fade away but we can never forget how actually talking to a person made us feel.

Another intriguing aspect about any college is that one gets to meet so many people from diverse backgrounds. Some speak a different language, some are shy, some are arrogant, some are funny, some are irritating, some are pure genius and some are too complex to describe.  All in all it’s a fun time meeting and interacting with these new types of Homo Sapiens .

Reflecting on my journey in DTU till now I can comfortably say from the initial sadness of not getting into IITs, today I cannot imagine my life without this place in Bawanaland. I don’t if I would have been able to survive in any college other than this.

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.” – Douglas Adams