Saying Out Loud

You know there are a few things that you have always wanted to say out, put it on record, but never really did. I have always been a wallflower (not that I am sad about it, that is who I am). I have tried to blend in groups, and failed. Every single time. There has thus, become a list. A list of the things I do not admit for the fear of being judged.

These things or rather facts have remained inside me for too long, and somewhere down the line, I stopped accepting them. Sometimes though you ought to say them out loud. So, here it goes.

  • I am socially awkward. I have tried making small talk, but I have always fail. I cannot keep a conversation going. I absolutely lack those skills. I want to talk to people sometimes but, I don’t know the algorithm to do so. Even when I really want to talk to someone, I fail terribly. Initiating a conversation is a Herculean task for me. I am absolutely bad at keeping touch with people. This, has cost me many of my friends.
  • The world is a very lonely place to be. They say the idea of love or “the one” is overrated. You don’t need someone to complete yourself. You are self-sufficient. Wouldn’t it be nice though to have someone you could go back to anytime and talk about absolutely anything without any fear or hesitation? Isn’t this the “one” everyone seeks?
  • I don’t like music. Rock, pop, sufi, classical, none of it. Music for some is a relaxant and for some a hobby. For me, it is just noise. Plain noise. Give me dead silence over music any day. Coming to parties, let’s not even talk about it. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than those trippy lights and loud music.
  • I crave deep meaningful conversations. Not just talking but communicating. I feel that I often give out the impression that I am not very keen on talking. If only one could look through my mind. My social awkwardness reigns supreme.
  • The thing that I hate the most? The fact that people build/modify their opinions about a person based on what others have to say about him/her despite already knowing and understanding that person. If someone is nice to me why should I believe you when you say that he is not a nice person. As long as he is nice to me, everything’s fine.

Conversations

S: Why are you so quiet? You don’t talk much now, do you?
T: ………No, I don’t.
S: Why? What? Did something happen?
T: No. Not really.
S: Then?
T: I am scared.
S: Scared of what?
T: Scared of what I have become. Scared of the words that come out of my mouth. Words that I seem to have lost control over.
S: Something is amiss. You know, you can talk to someone if you want to.
T: Yeah, I know.
S: Then why don’t you?
T: ………. Doesn’t everyone have enough to deal with already? I don’t want to be the person who adds to their woes and push them even further.
S: No, it is not like that. People do fight for the ones they care about.
T: Maybe. Besides, why would someone care about a person like me? I don’t think I have done anything to deserve that care from anyone.

Quote of the day #2

I choose to write because it’s perfect for me. It’s an escape, a place I can go to hide. It’s a friend, when I feel out casted from everyone else. It’s a journal, when the only story I can tell is my own. It’s a book, when I need to be somewhere else. It’s control, when I feel so out of control. It’s healing, when everything seems pretty messed up.
And it’s fun, when life is just flat-out boring.

― Alysha Speer