You want me to talk?
Ever since I was a toddler, I was taught to listen. Listen to mom, listen to papa. Listen to relatives and society. Listen to friends.
Listening to everyone I forgot how to talk, how to express my feelings. I forgot what it means to open up, what it means to pour my heart out.
Perhaps that is why I always listen to your stories, trying to find a piece of me in them. Perhaps that is why I love quotes, looking for words to describe what is inside me
You want me to talk, when all I do is to listen ?
Why is it that people, friends, partners fall apart?
Why is that people who ‘knew’ one another inside-out suddenly become strangers?
Is it because we seem to ‘understand’ them so well that we don’t make efforts to understand them anymore?
Why is it that our benefit-of-doubt never seems to favour the ones we love?
Why is it the easiest to pass sweeping judgements about people we care about?
Maybe for once, lets give people a chance.
You know there are a few things that you have always wanted to say out, put it on record, but never really did. I have always been a wallflower. I have tried to blend in groups and failed. Every single time.
Here are some facts about me:
- I am socially awkward. I have tried making small talk, but I have always failed. I cannot keep a conversation going. I absolutely lack those skills. I want to talk to people sometimes but, I don’t know the algorithm to do so. Even when I really want to talk to someone, I fail terribly. Initiating a conversation is a Herculean task for me. I am absolutely bad at keeping touch with people. This has cost me many of my friends.
- The world is a very lonely place to be. They say the idea of love or “the one” is overrated. You don’t need someone to complete yourself. You are self-sufficient. Wouldn’t it be nice though to have someone you could go back to anytime and talk about absolutely anything without any fear or hesitation? Isn’t this the “one” everyone seeks? Someone called “home”.
- Music? Dance? Never been able to truly appreciate these art forms. Give me dead silence over these any day. Coming to parties, let’s not even talk about it. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than those trippy lights and loud music.
- I crave deep meaningful conversations. Not just talking but communicating. I feel that I often give out the impression that I am not very keen on talking. My social awkwardness reigns supreme. If only one could look through my mind.
- The thing that I hate the most? The fact that people build/modify their opinions about a person based on what others have to say about him/her despite already knowing and understanding that person. If someone is nice to me why should I believe you when you say that he is not a nice person. As long as he is nice to me, everything’s fine.
S: Why are you so quiet? You don’t talk much now, do you?
T: No. I don’t.
S: Why? What? Did something happen?
T: No. Not really.
T: I am scared.
S: Scared of what?
T: Scared of what I have become. Scared of the words that come out of my mouth. Words that I seem to have lost control over.
S: You know, you can talk to someone if you want to.
T: Yeah, I know.
S: Then why don’t you?
T: Doesn’t everyone have their plates full already? If I can’t brighten up their lives, I could atleast not dampen it any further with what goes on in my head. That’s the least I could do.