Saying Out Loud

You know there are a few things that you have always wanted to say out, put it on record, but never really did. I have always been a wallflower. I have tried to blend in groups and failed. Every single time.

I carry with me a list. A list of things that define me. Things that prevent me from fitting in. Things that I don’t admit.

  • I am socially awkward. I have tried making small talk, but I have always failed. I cannot keep a conversation going. I absolutely lack those skills. I want to talk to people sometimes but, I don’t know the algorithm to do so. Even when I really want to talk to someone, I fail terribly. Initiating a conversation is a Herculean task for me. I am absolutely bad at keeping touch with people. This has cost me many of my friends.
  • The world is a very lonely place to be. They say the idea of love or “the one” is overrated. You don’t need someone to complete yourself. You are self-sufficient. Wouldn’t it be nice though to have someone you could go back to anytime and talk about absolutely anything without any fear or hesitation? Isn’t this the “one” everyone seeks? Someone called “home”.
  • Music? Dance? Not my cup of tea. For me, it is just noise. Plain noise. Never been able to truly appreciate these art forms. Give me dead silence over these any day. Coming to parties, let’s not even talk about it. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than those trippy lights and loud music.
  • I crave deep meaningful conversations. Not just talking but communicating. I feel that I often give out the impression that I am not very keen on talking.My social awkwardness reigns supreme.  If only one could look through my mind.
  • The thing that I hate the most? The fact that people build/modify their opinions about a person based on what others have to say about him/her despite already knowing and understanding that person. If someone is nice to me why should I believe you when you say that he is not a nice person. As long as he is nice to me, everything’s fine.
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Conversations

S: Why are you so quiet? You don’t talk much now, do you?
T: ………No, I don’t.
S: Why? What? Did something happen?
T: No. Not really.
S: Then?
T: I am scared.
S: Scared of what?
T: Scared of what I have become. Scared of the words that come out of my mouth. Words that I seem to have lost control over.
S: Something is amiss. You know, you can talk to someone if you want to.
T: Yeah, I know.
S: Then why don’t you?
T: ………. Doesn’t everyone have enough to deal with already? I don’t want to be the person who adds to their woes and push them even further.

Quote of the day #5

Sometimes, I look outside, and I think that a lot of other people have seen this snow before. Just like I think that a lot of other people have read those books before. And listened to those songs.
I wonder how they feel tonight.

― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Quote of the day #4

Sometimes, you read a book and it fills you with this weird evangelical zeal, and you become convinced that the shattered world will never be put back together unless and until all living humans read the book.

-John Green

Quote of the day #2

I choose to write because it’s perfect for me. It’s an escape, a place I can go to hide. It’s a friend, when I feel out casted from everyone else. It’s a journal, when the only story I can tell is my own. It’s a book, when I need to be somewhere else. It’s control, when I feel so out of control. It’s healing, when everything seems pretty messed up.
And it’s fun, when life is just flat-out boring.

― Alysha Speer

Be My Forever?

So can I call you mine now, darling.For a whole life time?

Most of the people in my age are always looking for someone to fall in love with. The perfect match! Someone who can be the apple of their eyes. Someone who completes them. Someone who makes them feel special. The search is always on. As it turns out in most cases, it’s easier to find a needle in a haystack. But why is it so? Why are we always concerned about finding The One? Is it because man is a social being and he is not programmed to live alone. I guess there comes a point in everyone’s life when we need someone around whom we can feel special. Someone who fills the hollows inside us. A person we can LOVE.

But then, what IS love and why do so many people who love each other tend to fall apart after a certain time? Love probably is the most innocent of all emotions, the purest of all feelings. Words cannot do justice in describing the true feeling of love. It can only be experienced( clichéd I know :p).  Sadly though, love as a word is used so abundantly that it has lost its true meaning somewhere. Today, love in its true sense is misunderstood. It is easier to “love” a person than to like him (her). At times some of us get too eager to be in a relationship. It is not always because we want something out of it. The social high-standing a committed person gets is a lot to be blamed upon. Relationships, in fact are extremely overrated. One cannot deny the fact a relationship is an important aspect of any individual’s life but, a troubled relationship can have severe adverse effects on a person’s mental and emotional well-being. As it is said, relationships are like farts, if you have to force it then it is shit!

Being intimate with the person we love is generally thought to be equivalent to being physical. But is it so? The current that passes through us when we are with that person, the Goosebumps we get merely thinking about that person, that’s the real intimacy. The intimacy of two souls! “Making love” comes much later.  It is the ultimate expression of love but, should it be the foundation of a relationship. Think about it. Among all the love stories we have read or seen, did two people fall for each other merely by getting physically intimate? No! In our age it’s generally the feeling of lust that drives people into physical intimacy. In the long run, it can have serious repercussions on the emotional, mental and physical health of both the individuals.

I sometimes wonder though as to how does one truly fall in love. Does it happen when we are searching for it or does it happen accidentally when we least expect it to? Different stories for everyone maybe. The idea of love at first sight though eludes me. How possibly can we experience the inner depths of a person merely by looking at her (him)? It should rather be termed as an attraction at first sight. True love is definitely deeper than that. Unlike gravity, the force of true love does not hold us back. It rather pushes us to fly high in both public and personal lives. just-wanted-to-let-you-know-that-i-still-love-youThe feeling of contentment and inner calm with her(him)  just being around will tell it all. The reality will probably be better than our dreams. Our happiness will be a function of her(his) happiness. We can continue to be ourselves knowing that they shall always be there for us. All this is possible if and only if we “fall” for the right person. Falling in “love” with the wrong person is as dangerous as riding a mad horse. You don’t know where it will lead you to. When you start developing feelings for a person, ask yourself “if that person gains 10kgs more, will I still like her (him) the same?” The answer will let you know what has to be done. In the end, true love is all about how you connect with a person. A good friendship is the basis of an everlasting relationship. It is a lack of friendship not a lack of love that makes unhappy relationships.

To all those seeking their love, hang in there. Keep on learning, growing, meeting new people and enjoying life. A day will come when someone will make this beautiful gift of life even more worthwhile. And soon or later, in our hearts we will know that this is the One.

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.” – William Shakespeare